Why Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters) - Dr Debra Soh - #1072

Is people having less sex a big deal?

It is, because it touches connection, intimacy, and a sense of belonging, and the data show a real slide, with about one in three young men and one in five women reporting no sex in the last year.

How different is modern sexual activity from the past?

Across ages and developed countries, partnered sex has fallen, and it’s not simply being swapped for solo options, though porn, OnlyFans, toys, and AI companions are part of the story; I explored each in my book through experiments, research, and evolutionary psychology.

So the overall pie shrank, not just a redistribution from partner sex to solo?

Yes, total sexual activity is down, and as tech improves, some people seem to prefer solo loops, while the internet and social media have also stoked division and distrust between men and women.

Here are some numbers: sexlessness is up, weekly sex is down, and a lot of Gen Z would pick sleep over sex.

I’m not surprised; mental health strains, anxiety, and low drive make dating feel costly, so easy substitutes win, and hypergamy chatter online has morphed into rigid shopping lists that miss what actually predicts relationship success.

How common is that three-sixes standard?

Social media amplifies it, but men also chase unrealistic, filtered ideals, and both sides forget that character, compatibility, and care matter more than specs.

In the wild, real complaints I hear are about commitment, emotional skill, and purpose, plus the tall girl problem where high-achieving women can’t find peers while a small band of men at the top rotate partners.

Right now about one in seven couples has the woman as main earner, and that mismatch fuels frustration on both sides.

So even without hormones and porn, simple coupling physics are rough; what about one-night stands and status?

A small pool of highly successful men is disincentivized to settle, dual mating strategies sort women into short or long term, and I argue scrapping DEI quotas that exclude men would open more fair economic lanes.

Does DEI truly penalize men rather than just help others?

In academia I saw postings that explicitly excluded certain men, and peers were discouraged from applying; I want a level field so outcomes feel organic, not zero-sum.

Even parents who back women’s success want their daughters to meet eligible men, but guys seem less keen on college now.

Boys sense bias at school, and while some fear rolling back women’s gains, the current track leaves many accomplished women competing for fewer partners they actually want.

How has hormonal birth control reshaped mate choice?

By pausing ovulation, it blunts women’s sexual signaling and shifts preferences, men can detect fertility and even guard more when a partner is cycling, so I wish more women knew how the pill can alter attraction and timing, especially if they plan kids.

It may also nudge taste toward softer men in theory, though romance sales say steel still sells, and men’s hormones likely fall when surrounded by non-fertile cues plus isolation.

Meanwhile men’s testosterone has slid for decades beyond lifestyle factors, and animal work shows pharmaceutical residues can scramble courtship and libido, which should worry us.

Is the core problem low desire or a coupling collapse?

Both; porn hits the same reward circuitry as sex, so it soothes stress and lowers the urge to brave dates, and I hear from parents that sons feel stuck while daughters surge.

I call it the male sedation hypothesis; screens, porn, games, and weed blunt the old young-male volatility, which changes behavior even if the data on addiction is mixed.

When guys quit porn, many feel more drive to approach women, and brain-wise it’s the same network as sex but with weaker activation, which can still train preference loops.

People also just habituate to routines, and the slide to intense content may really be men admitting long-held tastes, not escalating tolerance.

Yes, extreme interests often pre-exist, and gooning shows how far some will take endless edging; women struggle too, but I frame most porn problems as anxious coping rather than true addiction.

So trauma and anxiety drive it, and therapy beats self-medicating.

Exactly, and early exposure now bleeds into the bedroom, with choking normalized and real risks ignored.

There’s also uncomfortable research that many women report arousal to aggression in porn, which complicates the blame story.

Female masochism is the typical paraphilia in women, while female sadism tracks with personality pathology, and women’s arousal is broadly tuned, likely an evolved protection that can sadly cause confusion after assault.

In fantasy, the draw is a man who’s dangerous to others but gentle with me, though in life compartmentalizing aggression is rare.

That duality fuels romance, but real regulation is uncommon.

We live in the most permissive era and yet have the least sex.

Social media worsens comparisons and lowers desire, with men briefly cooling on their partners after scrolling influencers and women feeling less attractive afterward.

I’ve seen men turned off by a weak Instagram or disappointed by a filter-heavy one; it trains how we judge each other.

That pressure feeds cosmetic trends, from breast augmentation and labiaplasty in Gen Z to men using fillers for sexting optics.

Even buccal fat removal to look older can backfire as faces naturally thin with age, so people overshoot and chase more fixes.

I’ve watched the look shift from tans and big hair to hyper‑caricatured features, and it’s hitting younger faces hard. It feels like runaway selection in fashion form, with limb‑lengthening, jaw carving, and brows built for shock value.

I don’t shame anyone for choosing work, but I worry when very young people do it, and when surgery becomes a status flex. Many men dislike heavy procedures because they blur health and fertility cues.

A lot of luxe‑maxing seems aimed at impressing men, not attracting women. Women often prefer an average or slightly softer face on a strong body, and men’s judgments of how formidable a guy looks can predict his success better than women’s beauty ratings.

Tattoos often deter rivals more than they attract women, and many guys project their own priorities about looks onto women. Some try beautification to compensate when status gains feel out of reach.

I’ve interviewed married men who went years without sex, and phones make it worse. Put the devices away, because phubbing crushes desire.

Long‑term comfort becomes sameness, then boredom, so keep a low‑grade flirt going and show desire. Feeling desired is a potent spark.

Small novelty helps, even playful roleplay or a wig, plus sweetness and small surprises.

Baumeister’s take is to ration novelty so excitement stretches over time, because tiny changes can revive interest after years of routine.

Casual hookups and early sex can short‑circuit deeper bonding. As a former sex researcher, I push back when sex‑positive dogma dulls intimacy and leaves people more disconnected.

I explored sex dolls and robots and they’re startlingly real, though movement still lags. In my earlier work I discuss autogynephilia as one controversial theory behind some transition motives.

People even order opposite‑sex versions of themselves or wear silicone suits, and robots add motion; most buyers are men, often post‑divorce or shut out of dating, which is just sad.

AI companions already feel intimate; I built many, and some felt like real partners, which is why feature changes can break hearts. With so many singles opting out of dating, these paths will be tempting.

We’re trading face‑to‑face time for screens, and convenience has made effort feel optional. That makes connection feel disposable.

The drop in births looks less like moms having fewer kids and more like fewer women becoming moms at all. Many end up childless against their wishes, and I fear a coming wave of regret without any real advocacy for them.

We need honest talk about work, family, and money: dependence risks are real, babies still default to mom, and selling women on being the sole provider in romance often backfires.

Saying kids are too expensive can mask the harder truth that some people can’t find a partner.

Fertility drops by about half by the mid‑thirties, biology won’t bargain, and chemical exposures can echo across generations. We need less gender trench warfare and more empathy.

Practical fixes: meet in real life, let men initiate, and if you’re interested, give a clear, warm smile and inviting cues. Have compassion, and for men, clean up your diet, move, get sunlight, and try a thirty‑day porn break to reset your drive.

Didn’t expect a no‑fap pitch, but I’m here for the updates.

I hear it helps a lot of guys, so try it and tell me how it goes.

You’re great. Where should people find you?

Get Sextinction anywhere you buy books or at drdebraso.com, and I narrate the audiobook.

Loved this. For my free list of one hundred impactful books, go to chriswillx.com/books.