Most Replayed Moment: Brené Brown on Vulnerability, Self Esteem and The Four Skillsets Of Courage

On this thing about me and vulnerability—does it really matter, or is it just performative now, and does being vulnerable actually help my health and future?

Vulnerability is what we feel when we face uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, and every real act of bravery rides with it. I learned this asking special forces and later an NFL team to name a courageous moment that didn’t involve risk or exposure—they couldn’t, and neither can we, because courage means showing up without a guaranteed ending, like saying I love you first.

Going first is hard, and I’m out of practice.

A young guy once told me he confessed love over dessert and got rejected, but he chose honesty over playing distance games, and his friends respected it. You can’t claim bravery without putting yourself on the line.

Plenty of people have been hurt and now avoid opening up, which keeps them isolated and unhappy.

Trust and vulnerability build in small steps, not by dropping your deepest pain on someone who hasn’t earned it—that’s a test and a kind of armor, and most of us will flinch under that spotlight. Often we need therapy or coaching to loosen armor that once kept us safe, especially when identity and power dynamics make exposure costlier.

Without vulnerability we miss life’s most meaningful experiences—love, belonging, and especially joy, which is so tender many of us rehearse disaster to blunt it. The move is to train gratitude in the very moment you feel that quiver; I practice it out loud when my kids hit big milestones so I don’t spiral into control and fear.

I haven’t ‘arrived’; I’ve dropped the fantasy that I ever will, and I choose to be myself over being liked. I still catastrophize and set strong boundaries, but I like who I’m becoming.

Some will find it demoralizing that they can’t fully fix the parts of themselves they dislike; they want a cure so they can be happy.

If we could permanently fix ourselves, we’d likely lose compassion; the ongoing wrestle keeps us human. I won’t tolerate bad behavior, but I can see in others what I’ve had to manage in myself.

For someone who doesn’t like themselves, what work helps you like what you’re becoming?

Fear isn’t the real blocker; armor is, and it drags us away from love, connection, and our values. In midlife, life taps your shoulder and says drop what no longer serves you, because growth requires vulnerability.

That takes serious self-awareness.

Metaphors help me spot my armor: at work it’s perfectionism, micromanaging, and snap decisions; at home it’s control, which is just anxiety in costume. The opposite of courage isn’t fear—it’s self-protection.

You teach four steps to courage.

Our research shows courage is built from four teachable skill sets: knowing your core values, working with vulnerability, building trust including self-trust, and learning how to get back up after setbacks. We’ve trained a large global sample, and the data still holds through massive change.

On trust, I’ve heard your marble jar idea.

I explained trust to my fourth grader as a jar you fill one marble at a time through small, consistent moments, which Gottman calls sliding-door choices, like pausing to tend to a partner’s pain. Leaders earn marbles by caring in the day-to-day, so when crisis hits they don’t need to say trust me; people already do.

Leaders can feel like trust means always being right, but plans often change.

Trust grows when you own that you were wrong, thank people for work that’s now deprioritized, explain the shift, and ask for their best on what matters now without spin.

Even small truths, like quietly flagging a smudge on someone’s shirt, feel like micro-trust.

I trust people who give me the hard, helpful truth, even when it’s awkward.

I also trust those who publicly say what hurts their short-term interests.

Some acts smash the jar at once, like cheating, but a slower, often more painful break is emotional withdrawal that grinds trust down until you doubt your own judgment.

What you just heard was a most-replayed moment from a past episode; the full conversation is linked below in the description. Thank you.