Why Men & Women Are Giving Up On Each Other - Daniel Cox - #1166

You argue the hostility between young men and women didn’t begin with the manosphere or dating apps. So where did it begin?

I’d start with formative experience. This generation grew up online, but also in smaller, intensely invested families: tutors, travel sports, enrichment, accolades. That can teach kids that family is chiefly about advancing me, rather than improving life for everybody in it.

Do men and women understand each other less than they used to?

In some ways, yes. They have plenty of information, but much of it is nasty caricature. The internet serves the dream relationship or total catastrophe, not the ordinary messy middle. People enter dating with algorithms in their heads and expectations real humans cannot consistently meet.

Men and women are endlessly talking about each other online, but not actually speaking to each other. Nobody gets their assumptions tested.

Algorithms quickly identify gender and feed people what confirms their suspicions. Women may be immersed in material about harassment and danger while men barely encounter it, then wonder why women are alarmed. Social media is dreadful for hard subjects with no tidy answer.

One innocent click becomes a week-long curriculum on an obscure Japanese film from the seventies. So why do women feel less safe amid broader progress?

Responsibility has moved from institutions to individuals. Families, schools, congregations, and civic groups once did more norm-setting and accountability. Young women have less confidence that institutions will address assault or harassment responsibly, so boundary-policing becomes, “I have to handle this because no one else will.”

The internet makes tail risk feel standard. And online harassment seems especially personal and sex-based for women voicing political opinions.

That’s what our work suggests. Much online harassment comes from men the recipient doesn’t know, often strangers. Repeated comments matter as much as one cruel post: a pile-on feels like a whole crowd endorsing a hostile idea about people like you.

What do men get wrong about women now?

Many underestimate how much ordinary care matters. Even liberal or feminist women often value a door held, a check-in, kindness, attentiveness, and sometimes having the date paid for. Put abstract arguments aside: on a date, people want to feel considered.

But that’s a thorny push-pull. A woman can rightly say she looks after herself and still want special care. Men hear they’re too aggressive or intrusive, yet many women want them to initiate. For a nervous young guy, that’s a lot of knobs to turn.

The problems needn’t match for both to be real. Women face risks including assault; men who initiate face rejection, and now a bad moment can be documented and circulated. Phones are out on dance floors, everyone watches, and fewer people actually dance.

I ran nightclubs before and after phones took over. Once Facebook arrived, a drunken mistake stopped fading into a story and became a permanent artefact. Youthful foolishness needs a much shorter half-life than forever.

Exactly. We’ve also taught people that needing anyone signals failure. In focus groups, parents had discussed education and financial security, but barely discussed marriage and parenthood. Lasting relationships are consequential; parents seem reluctant to sound prescriptive about them.

Smaller families can mean fewer daily lessons in sharing and compromise. I grew up with brothers, and my boys share a room: it’s annoying, but you learn to work things out. Intense parental investment can also leave kids expecting the world to accommodate them.

America believes people can become anything, while Britain’s affliction is cynicism. But exceptional people thriving does bugger-all for the middle and bottom if the social fabric frays.

Financial and social stability are increasingly bundled together. Older civic institutions provided glue for working-class communities; college-educated people are more likely to replace them with organized outlets like book clubs or work friendships. Unstable, gig, and remote work make enduring connection harder.

Working from home sounded brilliant: no trousers, snacks, no traffic, no awful boss. Then people discovered comfort isn’t necessarily what they need, and isolation can make you lose your mind.

Newer technology removes small dependencies on people. Uber replaces asking for a lift, delivery replaces the store, TaskRabbit replaces a neighbour, maps replace asking directions. Those tiny exchanges are useful and human; losing them is not nothing.

Technology frictionlessly returns us to existing preferences. Dating apps squeeze people through curated photos, not how they treat a waiter, cope with traffic, or act when a child is screaming on a plane.

Meeting through friends gives more grace. After a poor app date, most people are done; with mutual friends, you may think they had an off night. Communities should help people meet and support them afterward. Dating scripts are unclear, and romance and social life aren’t separate systems.

Boys feel this early. In our teen survey, a majority thought girls received more encouragement at school. Boys have a ton of energy, especially when young, and schools can treat it as misconduct rather than something to channel.

Young men don’t need another message that their instincts are bad. Many want to provide and protect, but need a broader script: be alert in public, help others feel safe, show up for friends, and become somebody people rely on.

One push-up won’t transform the world, but it beats doing zero. A bit of civic usefulness—being a solid bloke walking home late—gives young men something better than being told to disappear.

And monk mode is not the final answer. Finances can matter in dating, especially on apps built around superficial signals, but isolation won’t make you whole. People help you quit bad habits, meet obligations, and become better. We’re supposed to be shaped by relationships.

Politics has widened the divide. The shift is not simply young men racing rightward; young women have become more liberal, especially on abortion. Young women see Trump as hostile to their concerns, while many young men don’t feel Democrats represent them.

The Democratic omission of men feels like an elected own goal, particularly for working-class men. Hearing affluent people lecture about privilege while class gets ignored is emotionally difficult. Both parties can feel like different flavours of elite.

Begin with curiosity. You cannot understand someone from a clip, profile, or political label. Sit across from a three-dimensional person, ask about their life, and you’ll usually find views that do not fit the stereotype.

We also need places to do that. Third spaces—neither home nor work—dropped sharply after the pandemic and haven’t recovered. A market, coffee shop, union hall, bar, or community space can remind people they belong to one another.

That’s the sad part: more autonomy, less trust, and emotional overload that makes everyone put up a shell. But talking to a stranger, calling an old friend, or helping someone find their way makes the day more connected. Daniel Cox, you rule. Go find his book and his work at the Survey Center on American Life. Goodbye, my beauties.