How To Stop People Pleasing

Hello, Daddy Gang. Sunday session is in session, and I am buzzing because I finally finished The Courage to Be Disliked after a 2 a.m. rabbit hole that turned into sunrise highlights.

I wanted to distill it for you, because we’re all juggling life and still stuck in this loop where being disliked feels terrifying and every post, comment, or side glance can hijack our brains.

Some feedback can be gold, but a lot of it is people projecting their own stuff; the work is learning what’s yours to own and what belongs to them.

A big shift for me was depersonalizing criticism. Evaluate the note, not the person giving it, and stop turning feedback into a referendum on your worth.

I think back to my magazine job when a boss told me I was moving too slow. She was right and I spiraled anyway. Now, as a boss, I see that notes usually mean belief in your potential, not a character attack; yes, there are messy managers, but most of the time it’s just the job.

Same at home. If your partner says you were not there for them, don’t make it a thesis on whether you’re a bad girlfriend. Zoom out like you would for your best friend and fix the simple ask.

Then there’s the deconstructive stuff—backhanded compliments and digs that are clearly about the other person’s insecurities. My favorite move is, what’s your point, or calmly ask them to repeat it until they hear how weird it sounds.

Doing your inner work makes this easier. When you stop tying your value to likes, promotions, or who got hit on at the bar, you start hearing noise as noise and your nervous system chills.

People pleasing is just shape-shifting to dodge rejection. The book hammered home that being willing to be disliked is real freedom, because you’re finally living by your principles, not by other people’s weather.

Women especially, let’s be direct without the extra frosting. No, thank you. I don’t like that. I’m good. You don’t have to be rude to be clear.

Creators will feel this. Early on you’re yourself because no one is watching, then you start chasing comments and lose the plot. Go rewatch your day-one stuff or think about old photos and friend groups. If a circle makes you smaller, leave. Life is short.

So here’s the challenge. Stop living for other people’s approval this year. Build your own validation and let their reactions drift by like traffic.

Advice pivot. Your boyfriend’s parents refused to include your newly divorced mom at Christmas. I’d decline their invite and spend the day with her, then clock that behavior for what it says about their generosity.

Pathological-liar friend with fantasy boyfriends. If it’s harmless, have her send voice notes so you can listen on your time; if it drains you, pick up less and keep it light.

Friend’s boyfriend flirting with you. She probably knows. You can test the waters gently, set a firm boundary with him to stop the late-night DMs and comments, and be ready to step back if he flips the story and you become the villain.

Therapy rut. Totally normal to switch. Thank your therapist for the growth, say you’re ready for a new push, and move on with love.

I love you all. Keep coming to Sunday sessions to un-rot the brain a little. No Wednesday episode because it’s Christmas Eve, so have the best holiday and an even better New Year. I’ll see you soon.