How to show up in any room with a low heart rate: Silicon Valley’s missing etiquette playbook | Sam Lessin

No one is straight with founders about this stuff: be early, do not order the priciest thing, set a clean video backdrop, and do not smell bad. Show up with a low heart rate, not like an energizer bunny at a Kleiner Perkins party, and project calm abundance because this moment is part of your story, not the only shot.

My guest is Sam Lesson of Slow Ventures, former Facebook VP and a two‑time founder, and we’re diving into etiquette as a practical edge in rooms, intros, meals, meetings, and more. He’s teaching this globally and wrote a book, and I love his frame that etiquette helps you enter any room with a low heart rate.

I chase hilarious and useful, because humor cuts through noise only when it rides on something real. In a world of commoditized software and AI anxiety, etiquette builds trust and signals you can be a steady partner, and yes, it’s also funny to teach Silicon Valley the rules even if I break them sometimes.

You called etiquette the skill of showing up with a low heart rate; why that matters now?

High‑stakes rooms make people grabby and weird, so you want abundance over scarcity, give more than you take, and build relationships not card collections. It rarely trumps a once‑in‑a‑generation product, but for almost everyone else these habits decide deals and preserve optionality.

For introductions, arrive early enough to settle, and if you’re late offer a simple apology and move on. Use a firm but not crushing handshake, repeat names, make real eye contact, and be present.

Don’t shame someone who’s late; it wastes the meeting. Introduce your partner first and, if you blank on a name, pause the intro so they offer it, and default to “great to see you” so you never “nice to meet” someone for the fifth time.

In conversations, include others, ask questions without interrogating, and keep it ping‑pong, not a monologue. Match the room’s vocabulary, leave them wanting more, and bow out gracefully when the energy fades.

With famous people, avoid both fawning and fake ignorance, and treat it as an iterative game. Don’t demand contact info; let them offer it, and aim to be the person they’d like to see again.

Let’s hit hygiene and presence, and whether any of this differs by gender.

Your scent shouldn’t be noticeable in either direction, and the basics apply to everyone. At home I’m teaching my kids table basics, and we’re also planning a femme etiquette course because there are nuances women want covered.

We ran a YC founders class at the Four Seasons with playful bits on dress and tasting, but the core was low heart rate, abundance, eye contact, handshakes, and how to eat without drawing focus. It’s tongue‑in‑cheek because many founders emerge from code caves, but the skills are real.

On dress, look like you cared without overdoing it, and know the rules well enough to break them on purpose. Fit beats brand every time, skip flashy flexes like a Rolex as a founder, and if you’re unsure just ask because norms shift by city and crowd.

Two easy wins I love are dressing one level up and tailoring cheap clothes so they fit well.

Exactly; a well‑fitting inexpensive shirt looks better than a loose luxury one, and you can always dial formality down by removing layers. When you know the culture, you can play with it, but don’t try to impress with price tags.

Let’s talk dining, paying, and tipping without making it weird.

Tip well, split simply, avoid the most expensive dish, and wait on ordering to match the tone of the meal. Offer to pay as a gesture and expect a decline in normal situations, and if you pick up a famous person’s tab, tip like they do because the staff will notice.

Aim for a tip that’s unremarkable to everyone at the table; twenty percent is a baseline and thirty percent fits some contexts. Keep the focus on the conversation, and yes, a smart tipping app would probably do numbers.

Share a sip with the sommelier if you ordered something special, and remember B for bread and D for drinks. Keep blades facing in and your napkin in your lap, because good etiquette makes itself invisible.

How do you think about small talk and humor, and getting out of a chat cleanly?

Humor shows mastery when it’s calibrated to the room, used sparingly, and aimed at yourself first, so keep a few safe jokes handy and favor short, warm stories. Let the talk bounce, not bulldoze, and wind down by reading cues, declining to trail to the bar unless invited, or handing off to someone new with grace.

Scheduling etiquette next, including the Calendly debate and respecting gatekeepers.

Default to accommodating the busier or more senior person by asking for their windows and making it work, and if you must send a link make sure there are real options. If you reschedule, bend to their timing, watch time zones, and show sincere respect to EAs and PAs because they make everything run.

I once went viral for hating Calendly because context and hierarchy matter, and my calendar moves a lot which can feel rough but reflects real tradeoffs. Once you’re committed though, take the meeting even if the name wasn’t the one you expected.

Quick etiquette check on scheduling. I usually ask a founder for their Calendly, and if they do not have one, I include my link to make it easy.

That works. The principle is simple: reduce friction for the person you want to meet, and you carry the logistics.

On communication, I push for concise emails, solid proofreading, and I tend to avoid emojis. Fair?

Assume the reader is busy, keep it short, and at least acknowledge quickly. Long blocks feel like a monologue; make the message easy to parse.

Emojis signal familiarity, so mirror the other person if they go first, but they are risky and often ambiguous. Fancy or custom emoji packs can broadcast the wrong thing.

Recipient order matters. Who is first in the To line reads as who the email is really for, and CC means “for awareness,” not “please reply.”

Mind CC and BCC, proofread, and never use the To field as a name checker. Tools that auto-add contacts make screwups easy, so slow down and verify.

Arrive a bit early, not way early; ten to fifteen minutes is ideal. A short bit of small talk is a helpful handshake before getting down to business.

On video calls, turn your camera on, dress appropriately, and tidy the background. Skip virtual backdrops if you can; a made bed and a closed closet say you prepared.

In person, clean up after yourself. Even with an LP in the room, pick up the cups and ask where to put them; it shows respect.

When wrapping, stand to shake hands and follow up with a short thank-you. Do not take a call in the room, and do not make a theatrical exit; in large groups, a quiet Irish goodbye often works best.

We are expanding the etiquette cartoons into a longer book and running classes in places like New York and Tel Aviv. Send us great tips so we can credit contributors in future editions.

Your TLDR nails it: build trust, project genuine confidence, keep an abundance mindset, remember you are worthy, ask questions, and keep your heart rate low.

If you remember only that, you will do well.

AI corner: what is one practical way you are using AI?

I am skeptical of most AI apps, but I love lettermeme.com, a newsletter aggregator with daily summaries and cartoons. I prototyped it myself with vibecoding tools, then friends helped productionize it.

Contrarian corner: what belief do you hold that most do not?

As a seed investor, I avoid “AI companies.” Use AI like the cloud—of course—but the AI-as-company narrative is capital hungry, commoditized, and rarely defensible; even the canonical winners make mediocre seed outcomes because of dilution.

I focus on AI’s second-order effects: authenticity and bot detection, supply security, cultural shifts, and industries AI will reshape. Invest in real businesses that use AI, not in AI as the business.

Lightning round. What books do you recommend most?

Lessons of History is my top pick for impact per hour. I also like The Ancient City, Man’s Search for Meaning, Area 51, plus longer favorites like The Fish That Ate the Whale and The Last Kings of Shanghai.

Favorite recent show?

Landman. It is great, though a TV series does not turn you into an energy expert overnight.

Favorite product discovery?

June Date builds profiles from your ChatGPT history to match people; I am married, but the profile it generated for me was shockingly accurate. I even tried matchmaking through my newsletter and hit a liquidity snag—way more qualified women than men.

Where can people find your newsletter?

There is no signup page; email me, and if I reply, you get added.

Do you have a favorite motto?

Carthage must burn—a Facebook hackathon poster from the Google Plus era that captured the game-on spirit.

You co-host More or Less with Dave Morin and your wife. Any takeaway from podcasting?

It is basically unfiltered weekly friend time we would do even if no one listened, and it ends up being weirdly useful. It is niche, but people we care about hear it, respond, and it even sparks better ideas for work.

Where can folks reach you?

I am Sam Lesson on the usual platforms, and lesson at Gmail goes to me. Come by the pool house sometime.

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