The Return of Old Man Rivers: Savior or Season Ender?

Quick one: at a corporate retreat they handed us “I am…” prompts; I went full nursery rhyme and the suits hated it. I bring it up because I want the same game for Phillip Rivers and the Colts: he’s fun, unintentionally funny in dad‑bod form, and a playoff run would juice a borderline Hall case; age won’t sink him since his game was stand tall, take the hit; and a few prime‑age QBs might feel silly if grandpa strolls in and outplays them. Okay, let’s kick off, football fans of America. Thanks for spreading the word with the playoffs looming. Episode thirty‑three, so a nod to the great thirty‑threes before we get rolling.

Aaron Jones and Jamal Adams jump to mind for thirty‑three.

Dion Lewis once won me a fantasy crown in New England before fading behind Derrick Henry in Tennessee, and James White’s title night should’ve taken the game’s top honor. Some recent MVPs still make me wince.

Hoops owns that number with Kareem, Bird, and Ewing; baseball and hockey have a few. All right, Rivers time—how long has he actually been away?

A long while. Ohtani hadn’t done any of the historic stuff, Brady hadn’t won outside New England, Stafford was still a Lion, Twitter had its old name, and Messi hadn’t lifted the biggest trophy.

On Messi—Miami felt electric when I visited. Has Inter Miami jumped the Dolphins and Heat in buzz?

Not for me. Dolphins and Heat still drive this town; Inter Miami is cool because of Messi, but it’s not number one.

The look is slick and Beckham plus Messi is global, but most folks know the club because of him.

Curveball: ex‑Charger Quentin Jammer says he played drunk. So what’s worse, playing at forty‑four, hammered, or going the Ricky Williams route?

I’d take the Ricky route and hope to focus. Between age and drunk, I’ll take age so I remember the film. Also, how do you even keep a buzz while you’re sweating and pounding fluids on the sideline?

I once hooped after polishing off leftover beers; felt loose, then air‑mailed a layup over my head—maybe it only felt great. Anyway, Joe Burrow sounded heavy this week for a guy with a sports‑car deal and a Batmobile in the garage.

It had Andrew Luck vibes. Years of hits, surgeries, and carrying a roster can darken your mood, even at twenty‑nine.

The long rehab, the team sinking, and that snow‑game mistake where he bailed on the handoff and threw the season away will weigh on anyone. Add winter blues and you get that presser.

That’s why December scares contenders; loose teams spoil parties. All the pressure’s on Baltimore, which makes a Bengals upset feel live. Also, wish me luck against Bill Simmons in fantasy, but let’s table that and debut Mike’s new segment.

Working title is that I neither know nor wish to know. I’m just tossing questions like why a struggling passer suddenly has a vague injury, and why Anthony Richardson isn’t back two months after an orbital fracture while Indy calls a forty‑something Rivers. And what exactly did that German trip do for Christian McCaffrey’s legs? I’m not alleging; I truly prefer not to know.

I’m intrigued by the vibe. On to Michigan: the reporting class did itself no favors, and it sure feels like the school sat on trouble until after Ohio State and signing day. People are already spit‑balling replacements, but the Harbaugh name cuts both ways. Maybe Tom Brady can split his time between fixing the Raiders and saving the Wolverines. Quick pick—Dolphins or Steelers on the three rivers?

Dolphins. I want Mike McDaniel to stick; I think Tua is rough, but the coach’s swagger is unmatched and he steadied a shaky season.

Week fifteen countdown time. Chiefs host the Chargers in a put‑up‑or‑shut‑up moment; who you got?

Chiefs. Kelsey sounds down, but I’ve seen him rally late in the night and I think he rallies here too. The brothers are hilariously different, which makes their show pop. And yes, free teams in December are dangerous; coaches empty the bag while tight teams trip over pressure.

How about Rams and Lions in Los Angeles, the Packers at the top‑seed Broncos, the Seahawks welcoming Rivers and the Colts, the Cowboys and Vikings, and Bills at Patriots?

I’ll ride with Detroit because Dan Campbell’s energy is my language, even if it’s dicey. Green Bay is my pick in Denver and I’m stacking green and gold at home. I’ll still lay it with Seattle despite the giant number. I’ll take the Vikings over Dallas. And I’m choosing Buffalo out of respect for Bills Mafia jumping through flaming tables.

Thirteen and a half is a mountain, and Rivers has always been a statuesque pocket guy, so age and a little extra girth won’t change his style much.

Added ballast can be a feature; when I was three‑thirty on the line, nobody moved me. Maybe big Phil is a tank you can’t sack.

Last one: if Lamar, Mahomes, Allen, and Burrow all magically hit the market in January, who do you build around for the next five years?

My heart leans Lamar because he threatens you every snap. Mahomes is usually the obvious pick, though this year put some dents in the armor. I’m not picking Burrow over them, and Allen still needs his coronation.

Fair case, though Burrow might catch a second wind with a different roster. Before we go, here’s our touchdown parlay: I’m calling scores for Christian McCaffrey, Derrick Henry, Jamar Chase, Jahmyr Gibbs, Jalen Hurts, and Puka Nacua. What would you tweak?

I’d fade Puka and lean to Davante near the stripe, and I’d add a Mark Andrews spike because Cincinnati never covers tight ends.

I’d swap Hurts for Josh Allen in the cold since Jalen hasn’t wanted to punch it in lately. Allen just showed the legs and might need everything against New England.

I hated seeing the Eagles pitch on fourth and inches instead of leaning into their signature sneak, but in a must‑have against the Raiders I bet they go back to it. Thanks for listening. Subscribe, spread the word, and we’ll be back after the weekend to make sense of it, my football‑loving Americans.